Pages

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Dagnabit


My santo is pissed off. This morning she whispered to me that she wanted to be a fado singer and hang with the Portugese sailors instead of being a saint. She wants a noisy, boisterous life.

So - the results of my doctor's appointment this morning to discuss my voice loss. Sadly, I've pretty much even lost the weak croaking that I had for awhile. The doc explained that because over 4" of the vagus nerve was removed there would be no "miracle nerve regeneration". That in fact as the vocal chord lies dormant it will actually atrophy and grow weaker over time.

Blech. Moving on to the next rock-and-a-hard-place. I'm scheduled for thyroplasty surgery on May 18th. What they do is open the last incision back up and put a piece of gortex into the side of the vocal cord that is paralyzed to push it over so it can close better. This should help me with breathing and swallowing as well as giving me a louder voice.

The yucky side of this surgery is that they do it without putting you to sleep. As in gag, cough, can't breathe, and so on. I have a helluva gag reflex already which caused me a tough night after the first surgery so I am a little put off by that but it will be worth it if I can talk again.

Some things we choose, some things we endure. Thank your voice today. Laugh out loud at least once for me. xo

69 comments:

T and J said...

I hope you heal rapidly & properly.

risa said...

It all sounds so hard...losing your voice, the upcoming surgery (awake!)...I hope all goes well and want you to know that your "voice" still seems so loud and clear and true to your readers...wishing you a FULL recovery!

Dawn D. Sokol said...

Judy, I really wish you didn't have to deal with this! But as Risa said, your voice is loud, clear, and true to your readers. You can shout to the rooftops here! Sending you hugs and thinking of you.

lisamalmar@gmail.com said...

Oh dear, I'm so sorry :-( You will get through this, stronger on the other end.

The interesting thing is that your 'voice' to me is through your words, your photos, your art - and you have not lost that in any way.

But that doesn't help, eh.

Hang in there and know you have more friends and well wishers than you can even imagine.

xo

Anonova said...

Instead of silently lurking through your blog as I normally do, I'll speak up and wish you all the best, as well as thank you for sharing your art and your inspiration. :)

Sarah said...

Hi Judy,
Your Santos is beautiful and I can't wait for your book on plaster-I love plaster bandage and used it only recently to make a bird doll head-so much easier for me than clay!
I feel for you with all your health troubles at the moment. I hope your procedure goes well and is over as quickly as possible.

Julie Fillo said...

Judy,
You are a constant wonder and inspiration to me. I admire you in more ways than you can imagine. I am with you as you go through this, going through some tough stuff here too, and it makes me appreciate your clear, positive, forward thinking voice even more. You are awesome. I have been a (mostly) quiet fan for years, but a fan nonetheless.
Julie Fillo

lyle baxter said...

judy, I'm sorry to hear your gaggy news. I feel for you! but if it will help you speak ,gag you must! you know we will all be gagging with you. good luck,lyle

rscoach said...

sorry to hear this news but I truly believe that a voice that needs to be hear such as yours will prevail - and we will gratefully hear your audible sounds very soon - sending healing thoughts and prayers and ((((HUGS))))) Reva (Los Angeles)

guy said...

The saintly one should be pissed off. Saintliness is not high up there with fun and going crazy once in a while. I am sitting is San Miguel working and thinking about your wonderfulness. I have news to share that may get you down here with us sooner than later. Later best girl friend...............

Andra Hepler said...

Oh my gosh...it can't be...not to hear your positive voice. Can't happen...won't....my hugs, wishes and love sent to the most positive person i ever met.
Smiles, Andra

jaihn said...

I am sorry to read this.
Sending prayers.
May you feel some Deep Peace amidst it all.
xxx

jaihn said...

ps - Thank you for your reminder to appreciate and to laugh aloud.
xxx

Tricia said...

you are in my prayers.

Donna Heart said...

oh judy - you are being so brave and strong... aren't we blessed to know that as an artist our 'voice' does not require vocal chords and air and sound... your voice is already strong and full of verve and vitality and direction and dreams - prayers now for a complete recovery of your other voice too!!!

Ocean Lotus said...

eewww...that sounds tough...i'm feeling gaggy thinking about it...
i agree with someone else who wrote - your voice in this medium sounds lovely and strong and beautiful as well...

aimee said...

i love that you chose a fado singer to contrast with your saint. i can't think of a better musical parallel to the difficulties you're going through right now. fado music is mournful and sad, yet full of hope and love, and the music sails out like a ribbon. just like the way you write. so expressive and truthful. you sound just like amalia rodrigues to me. please keep singing on paper and i wish you all the best. xo aimee

Anonymous said...

well i'll be a son of a %$#$@ that just plain sucks. sometimes stomping your feet helps with this kind of problem riding horseback in moonlight helps more. i'm coming to get you. since you can't talk 2 squeezes will mean slow down, and 3 will mean speed up. BTW i'm taking you to a little fado club i know of...

gina armfield said...

I sorry to that but glad that they feel they have something they can do. I am sending you prayers and light to surround that lovely voice of yours both the spiritual one as well as the speaking one

Kitasmom said...

sweet judy blue eyes....your incredibleness radiates from you - Even Though. you are a special delight of a person, and i wish you great goodness, quick healing, and that all the Goodness & Wonder that you've sent out be returned to you 10-fold. Linda

jinxxxygirl said...

I still hear you.......

Jackie said...

First let me bow to you for that beautiful doll. working with that clay is HARD!! I tried my first doll and I went to bed in total frustration. Any tips??
Also I can't imagine not being able to talk though my family would probably be happier;)
I wish you strength and a beautiful recovery. I am sure your voice will will ring loud and clear through your creativity:)

Judy Wise said...

Jackie, the doll is plaster. I started with plaster gauze over a porcelain doll's head and then smeared joint compound over that, sanded and then painted it.

Ro Bruhn said...

I hope you get your voice back Judy, but the main thing is you have your eyesight after your first operation. Keep up the positive thoughts and take care.

patti said...

Sending love to your vocal chords Judy. Healing takes time and doctors are often wrong about how long it can take and outcomes.

Love, patience and persistence will get you there. Artists have these qualities in spades!

Healing tea: garlic, ginger, lemon, honey and a touch of rum.

xx

Kate said...

Sorry to hear this, wishing you an easy procedure and quick healing. I laughed out loud just for you. I will treasure my voice today and always.

stregata said...

Wishing you all the best for the upcoming surgery and for your recovery - hoping your speech will find you again. Your voice is still here.

Are you curious about me? said...

Judy, I shall 'laugh out loud' just for you today.

I wish you good luck for your surgery and look forward to 'hearing you shout out loud', you and your blog are an inspiration to me.

Thank you ~ Julie

say**yes said...

Oh Judy, That upcoming surgery does sound scary. Will they at least give you some sedation, to help you relax and to some degree tune it out? You got through the other scary chapters. You'll get through this one, too. I'm just going to be quiet with you tonight. Tomorrow will laugh out loud, and scatter blessings in your direction. I wish you could have seen my yard today, filled with beautiful little migrating birds. Very big hugs, Patsy

jgr said...

Oh yes, more prayers are coming your way. I'm sorry you have to go through all of this-you have a good attitude and as always - you inspire me.

Jacky said...

Feeling for you...no wonder your Santos looks p*ssed off...
Hopefully after your next surgery you will be all healed up and happy again.
Thinking of you.

Jacky xox

Anonymous said...

Judy, I love your Santos and her story! Your imagination is as wonderful and as fun as always. It shines through your art and writing, your beautiful smile, and the sparkle in your eyes. Communication for you involves ALL aspects of your being, and now you will rely more heavily on the visual. I am one person of many who has never heard your actual "voice" and yet I "hear" you and I've learned so much from you. I anxiously await for your blog updates because you inspire, motivate, and teach me through your written words and creative works. The thoughts you share make a connection to all of those who will never be lucky enough to meet you in person. You have the amazing combination of honest vulnerability and strength. I pray everything goes very well with your surgery and recovery. You are admirably strong on this rollercoaster journey!

Deryn Mentock said...

Sort of scary. You're such a strong woman. I admire your bravery, Judy. Keeping you in my prayers...

dosfishes said...

It is so beautiful that you can express all this emotion through your creation, I can still hear the fado rhhythm through the frustration.

xo

jetfuellines said...

Oh Judy! My heart. Goes out to you as this continues. I know you will be fine but the journey just sucks sometimes. Your words and reminder to be thankful for the little things are such an encouragement to me. I hpe you feel the
same encouragement from all of us! Lots of love going your way!!!!

Kim Mailhot said...

First using my voice to croak out loud in frustration and anger that this icky is happening to my most wonderful Teacher-Lady-Friend !!! Arghhhhh!
Now using my voice to promise to find every opportuinty to laugh and talk and be grateful for my own vocal cords today and always. And also to keep those prayers and loving mojo verse flowing towards you, my lovely Judy.
Big Love to you !!!!

Joanie Hoffman said...

I have laughed out loud for you twice already today! Hang in there, you may have to endure the surgery all alone, but you are loved.
Happy Thursday,
Joanie

Meri said...

I'll laugh. I'll pray out loud. And if you want me to, I'll scream in frustration. And I'll miss having doll play with you this summer. Peace, my friend. Surrender. There are so many ways to be heard and to speak.

Lynn said...

Dagnabit? Holy Sh%^&*^T is more like it!
Geez Louise! So so sorry you have to ENDURE this! Well, if it were me I'd be taking a ton of anti anxiety meds to go through an awake surgery. But you sound rather non plussed by the whole idea (except for the gag worry). Let's hope what they numb you with helps that aspect.
My dearly departed mother once had an anyurisim, for which she survived two 8 hr surgeries through a hole in her neck while AWAKE!!!! She told the doctor she wouldn't be able to do that and he said she HAD to do it. And she did.
And she lived for many more years after!
I had to have a shot of novicane in my EYE while wide awake and I did survive that...so I guess we can ENDURE what we have to ENDURE.
I am again glad to hear that it will give you your voice back.
Sending healing thoughts and love your way. And some hugs too.

Tara Ross Studios said...

So sorry you have to go through this, but yes, you are brave. Take care I'll keep you in my prayers too!

Tara

Laura said...

Blech is right Judy! All you can do now is stay strong. And when you can't do that for a second longer...clench your fists, stomp your feet and be mad and a little afraid. Then hold tight to your nearest and dearest.
After that, back to being strong once more!

And so it goes... said...

Like a pissed off fado singer, you will be heard, one way or another! Your spunk & strength & new Gortex parts will serve you well....I feel it in my bones! Love your work, as always. I'm laughing and whooping it up in your honor, remembering you telling me about "the peeing chihuahua"! Wish there was such a thing as "Gag-Be-Gone"...
x0x0x0 deb/debbie/debra

Cynthia of Cynful Creations said...

Judy, wishing you all the best in your upcoming surgery. I for one have very much enjoyed your artistic voice, the one that you have shared with us here on your blog. I'm sorry to hear you are having such problems with your physical voice.

Sharon said...

But from my chair, I can see your voice. And your bravery. You are so amazing and strong. Much love,
xoxo

lynne h said...

judy, your santo/fado singer is so cool; i am seriously lusting after her. i do believe that regardless of which she is, she's not taking any sh*t from anyone. yesterday i went to the thrift store in search of dolls to plaster over, but they only had one that didn't call to me. what they *did* have was a bag of plastic animals. they were shouting my name left and right!! so i'll see how a plastered pig and horse look...

sending you warm and loving thoughts, and will try to laugh out loud repeatedly...

xoxo

femminismo said...

You can count on me to laugh for you. Oh, Judy! It is difficult to know the right words, but you are right about some things we choose, some we endure. I will hope and pray (in my own way) the next surgery gives you back your sweet voice.

Herm said...

Wish the surgery goes well, I'll keep you in my prayers.

Jill Berry said...

Personally, I think this sucks, and if I was a magical person my wand would be waving. I have you in my heart, all the best wishes for you are there. You, in my studio, with candles and wishes, are being lifted up. You deserve your voice, and I want that for you. xooxoxo

the GyPsY said...

yes, you have a strong voice and we can all hear it. It does suck, but you have a brave spirit, and brave does not mean you can't be pissed off or upset, too.
I shall laugh out loud for you today and tomorrows .. and with each laugh I send you good energy, strength, patience and hope.

Caity said...

Just, sending you all good thoughts for speedy healing and recovery. {{hugs}}

AnnK said...

"Blech" says it all. Another yucky thing to be endured. May your inner strength and sense of humor continue to bring you through. As a devoted fan of you and your art, I send all my very best wishes.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry Judy, have a big pitty party for yourself and then get on with your positive attitude. Sorry that you have to endure this, life can be nasty sometimes but hang in there and think about yourself in a field of daisy's. Prayers will be said. Thank you for sharing Judy.

kluless said...

Judy, Judy... You are in my thoughts and prayers that all goes well with the next procedure. You are a strong woman and I have no question you will overcome! When the medicine tastes bad just remind yourself these are things they do FOR us and not things they do TO us.

Clare Wassermann said...

That's awful news ---- but have you ever used homeopathy? You could look up a homeopath in your area. I am one and the remedy I would try for your voice is Causticum xxxx

Pretty Things said...

That gag reflex may make them rethink their thoughts on putting you properly under! How barbaric of them!

Happy, FAST healing!

Marie said...

from another silent lurker & huge fan....you still sound the same to me...! I can tell you are a fighter & going through another procedure is evidence of that. I hope you will be able to raise your voice again! I will hold that thought in my heart in gratitude for all you've inspired in me over the years!

donnaj said...

Sorry to hear you have to have that type of surgery w/out anethesia!! i had and endoscopy a few yrs ago-and woke up in the middle of it-gagging of course-and messed up my throat. It was very sore for a wk-could hardly even swallow-hopefully things will go much smoother for you~best of luck!

Tyn said...

Judy,your voice will always be clear through your heart and your art.Heal quickly - we are all sending our good vibes to you!
xoxo

Judy said...

Oy Judy, must be awful and the new op sounds yuk too. Hope all goes well.

Irene said...

I used to be sad that I have such a sucky singing voice, but now I'm just glad I can sing. And so can you. Remember how you didn't need words to talk to Hermanito, or he to you? That's how it will be with me and you, IF you don't get your voice back (very big IF)! You've taught us all how to be positive, so I'm sending some of it back, with love and thanks. :-)

PaperPumpkin said...

For all of the inspiration and joy that you continue to send out to this universe of ours, that is just a portion of the good and healthy wishes that are being sent back to you.

Snap said...

I don't know, but I seem to be *hearing* you just fine. Wishing you much success with the upcoming surgery and a super fast healing. Wishing you well.

Printed Material said...

Judy,
I've only just found your blog but don't need to 'catch up' to understand what you're facing at the present time. All I can say is that your heart and soul are in your pages and the creativity shines through. I laughed out loud today for myself and for you. Lesley.

Leslie said...

I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this. Hoping that the surgery will be successful and not cause you too much discomfort in the process.

These word verifications:

foughte

Yes, indeed.

honeybee said...

My heart goes out to you, dear Judy. Like so many have written, your voice is clear and strong to me. You are such an inspiration!

Laura said...

Oh Judy, I am so sorry to hear that. You have been through so much already. I hope it gives you some comfort to know how many of us are keeping you in our thoughts & prayers. xo

maddie said...

I can hear your beautiful effervescent voice in my head....
and I look forward to hearing your wonderful laugh again

the only way out is through and this really sucks

sending you much love and hugs

aaaaaand

oh Judy! your doll is so exquisite!
she seems so completely alive!

Carol B. said...

Blessings to you. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Believing for miracles.

Daris Judd said...

Judy,my heart is with you.