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Thursday, May 13, 2010

The Slow Drift


My little canoe has been circling around since my return from Ohio, making no forward progress. It is discouraging for a bossy person like myself to not be able to speak; fitting karma perhaps but lonely and strange at the same time. Today I heard about a friend of a friend who has had the same voice restoration surgery as the one I'm having on Tuesday. This person did indeed regain his voice although a softer version and so I am comforted by that thought.

A little side effect of my new larynx is breathlessness. Last night John and I went to a movie and I had to ask him to slow down twice as even a brisk walk wears me out. I want to get going again. It is weird to have my wings clipped. I need exercise.


And so my journal has been a reflection of these circuitous thoughts. Too much pondering; I'd be better off doing than writing but I seem stuck in my left brain. I have always had the kind of mind that wants to plan my way out of disappointment. It won't work this time but my brain keeps insisting, "I can help" and "let me think our way out of this".


Every day I wake up thinking that today will be the day I get back to work but so far I've just crabwalked through the hours in a torpor. I could fight it harder I suppose. But common sense tells me this is a big event in my life and that I should respect it. Allow myself to feel the sadness and be unproductive if I feel like it. To give it some time.


Everyone has been so kind. So tender. My daughters gave me the best Mother's Day beginning with pedicures, lunch at my favorite restaurant and then full body massages followed by frappucinos. Kindness. So much kindness. I feel the pokes and prods of all the "mothers" who are willing me to go on and not stay moored.


This etched metal Virgin of Guadalupe arrived in the mail along with several other treasures this week from dear Pilar who so many in our community know. She is one of the good guys, a sweet spirit who I know has reached out whenever she could to be of help to others. So thank you Pilar for the music, the stitched drawing on linen, the card and most of all for just knowing someone like you exists in the world to care for the fallen. You are a goddess of light.

That goes for all of you who come here whether you have written or not - I can feel you out there and I'm hoping a week from today I'll have some great news for you. I'm going to do my best to make it so. xo

42 comments:

Nancy Lynn said...

Although I don't comment much, you are in my thoughts and prayers a lot. Your friend who was born and raised just a stone's throw from you.

Anonymous said...

thinking of you makes me smile...i will send one back to you...

Jo Reimer said...

I understand, Judy. I've been there, pre-and post surgery sadness and lethargy that's overwhelming and so strange for a creative soul. It DOES pass. Take care of yourself by taking it easy and avoid pushing yourself too much. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

PaperPumpkin said...

For every sad thought you have, Judy, please know that there will be one hundred blessings sent your way to uplift you whenever you need them the most.

jinxxxygirl said...

This may be how your mind, body and spirit is recuperating......I do lurk here quite often. I found you through Creative Dreamer(June). You are so talented. I love your blog. Your creative energy will return, patience......Is one of my favorite 'P' words. :) ((HUGS)) Deb

Kathy said...

I, too, do not comment often. I came via Ricë and sort of stayed. I am not in your circumstance, but I do know the sense of being stuck in the left brain, trying to make sense, trying to fix, wanting to create and move. The advice to me was to be gentle with myself - just as others are being gentle with you.
You will be in everyone's thoughts and prayers on Tuesday - as will your doctor.

misty said...

oh judy, you beautiful soul... i carry you in my heart. xxooxo

Lelainia N. Lloyd said...

"let me think our way out of this".

Yes, this is how my brain works too. It's odd, isn't it when we face something that is not going to be solved by our brains, no how much we wish it were so? It's challenging convincing the brain of this. Letting go is hard. I've come to realize that it's not important that you necessarily accept it, as you ADJUST to it.


"Allow myself to feel the sadness and be unproductive if I feel like it. To give it some time."


This is hard too. I don't know about you, but it's very counterintuitive for me. I feel better when I am engaged in things, working, doing...the "being" does not come so easy. It's a process, learning to cut yourself some slack. I am still working on it.

Just know that you're not alone in the feelings that are arising from this experience. It's normal and the only way through it is through it. I know you will ultimately be okay, no matter what. You are fierce. You will rise above.

Pilar is the BEST. She knows what it is to suffer and to need extra TLC. She specializes in that. I adore her.

Sending you MUCH love and prayers for your surgery Judy. I am holding good thoughts for you and am here if you ever need to talk. oxox

Lost Aussie said...

Good luck with your surgery Judy, you will have the company of many prayers and good thoughts.

angel said...

sending good healing thoughts and prayers your way. go gently.

daisydolls said...

wow, just by reading this post it's clear that you have such a strong soul and your words have drawn me into your world. I wish you all the best in what you're going through and will be thinking only positive, happy thoughts for you. Hugs from GA!

dosfishes said...

Hi Judy,

I so get that lethargy, after I had my surgery a couple of years ago I couldn't believe how weak I had become. Take the time, whatever and however long it is to heal, your indomitable spirit shines through each and every day, maybe it's time to fingerpaint or not.
Your higher self will lead the way. Prayers for you and hugs from my big arms. xox

Anonymous said...

Judy---Lyle and I are here with you. Keep moving forward, always forward! Half the battle is attitude----we know you can have plenty! Put it to good use.





toni

Kim Mailhot said...

This may sound weird but I think you are doing magnificent job of going through this crappy, sucky situation, my Beautiful Judy. You are listening to your self, feeling the bad parts as hard as they are, and appreciating and soaking up all the wonderful loving that is coming your way as you go through. You are healing and changing and adapting and mourning and yet, living this precious life fully in whatever ways come to you. You are an incredible spirit, Artist-Woman. I am, as always, so grateful to be in this world at the same time as you.
Gentle pink unicorn hugs and Big Big Love !

amy said...

i hope that you are restored, healed and comforted in the coming days. thanks always for your truthful words and for your authentic experience. blessings to you in the coming days. and thanks for your ultra-supportive comments on my blog--i hope fairy godmothers and fathers sprinkle you, too, with all that is good!
xo
amy

Deb's Artful Journey said...

sending you a big hug!

Anonymous said...

Remember, Judy....you are an artist and will always have a voice...

hugs,
steph rubiano (the other stephanie, lol!)

Janine said...

All the best to you Judy!

How awful for a teacher to have to go through this! I admire that you fill your journals with art and words. I can fill mine with art but the words don't come easy! It is ironic that this happens to a person who loves words and teaches! I have eye problems, Macular Degeneration the dry kind. I love to draw, paint, I am thankful that so far I can still do that! So my heart goes out to you and I hope all goes well for you! I have been reading your blog for over a year and have admired your many wonderful artistic contributions to books, magazines and this blog very much! Namaste Judy!

Jill Berry said...

Judy, you could not appreciate the goodness as you do without knowing the other side of it. It makes sense to be sad, you are traumatized, you have permission. This depth goes both ways, you know? You dive headlong into the experience and you will feel it. And when you heal, you will celebrate the depth of that too!

I think of you, I light candles for you, I will hold you up in my heart on Tuesday.

Judy said...

JJJ, you are so amazing how you are looking within and respecting this time and event, I take my hat off to you. Best of luck for tueday my friend. You will be fine. I wil be thinking of you at this difficult time. xoox

And so it goes... said...

"I was afraid...I did it anyway". It's amazing to me how very much you've done, experienced, created, accomplished in the 4 wks since your surgery... makes my head spin! You're still a live-wire, even in the circling boat, weathering the ups and downs. How very much we appreciate your honesty & your spirit. Adding my prayers & positive thoughts to the hundreds/thousands of others.
xoxoxo deb/debbie/debra

Lynn said...

Maybe it's okay for the boat to circle for now...this is something to experience/as if you had a choice? ;-)...I feel you are making the best of an unwanted situation.
Sending hugs and energy for a quick healing after Tuesday. May it all go well. T'e Bre Ah. Be well. (in Hebrew)...

peggy said...

Glad your letting your body and soul mourn your loss. Life is not susposed to give us lemons but sometimes it just happens. It's not fair and you don't deserve it but here it is anyway. My thoughts and prayers are with you while your working your way to a happier time, your the best Judy. A hug and smiles are coming your way. Peggy

Karen H said...

We're with you sister, dogpaddling close behind. Let us know when you need a little shove... ;)

Judy Wise said...

I have goosebumps. I wish I could give back to you what you each have given to me. How can I not be alright with so much support? "Dogpaddling right behind". That describes it so well; our human condition. Thank you. xo

kluless said...

You have been through so much - the trama of the surgery to your body, the trama of the voice issue to your soul and then top it all off with a long trip to Ohio. Hmm. I think a little resting might be in order. Lean in to what feels correct at the moment and don't worry about what you think you 'should' be doing. Things will come back into alignment in their own time.
Sending you prayers and strength!

Ocean Lotus said...

be well - healthful thoughts to you for the next week -

Carla Sonheim said...

Dogpaddling.

Jill said...

thinking of you

Stephanie Lee said...

I'm thinking of my little plaster boat which I whittled one oar for. I'm thinking about that feeling of rowing in circles and how lonely a little boat can be. And I'm thinking about how much the little Lee clan loves our very own Judy. 'Member that little cooing sound we talked about with Christine in Cincy? We make that sound here at home when we talk of you (and John) and of how much more you feel like our people now that we've shared a harvest fresh from the dirt. Just like Dragonfly does. It's good medicine - sharing that kind of time doing that kind of thing. It's the best medicine my little, tattered heart can imagine.
I love you so, dear mentor and crone and all-I-hope-to-be-when-I-grow-up.
All the water that your little canoe can ride is all the love that so many hold for you. IT's okay if you paddle in circles. We're not going anywhere. We're just all here to hold you up.
oxxoox

Cindy Woods O'Leary said...

Judy, your honesty and strength are such an inspiration. You have no idea how much you've touched others by sharing your journey. I'm going through my own sadness here; thank you for the reminder that we're not alone, that we're all in this together. I'm keeping you close to my heart, and will be sending extra prayers to you on Tuesday. You are loved. xoxo

Cindy Woods O'Leary said...

Judy, your honesty and strength are such an inspiration. You have no idea how much you've touched others by sharing your journey. I'm going through my own sadness here; thank you for the reminder that we're not alone, that we're all in this together. I'm keeping you close to my heart, and will be sending extra prayers to you on Tuesday. You are loved. xoxo

Sharyn said...

Know I am thinking of you. Through your art you will always have a voice.

missesbeames said...

I am thinking of you also. You inspire me, and I made my first doll, because of your inspiration. My husband also is having surgery , his tumor is near his ear, but the vagus could be severed, and I think of you, and your strength. lemonade isn't always sweet, but your attitude is positive, and helps me sustain. I wish nothing but healing, and a return of what is the next best thing to normal for you. thinking of you and hoping nothing but the best, Joan.

Daris Judd said...

Dear Judy; I talked with you once in CDA Idaho and we did a trade MANY years ago at Bellevue Arts Festival. I have several beautiful pieces that I have lived with all this time.
Please keep your chin up, you are a gift to yourself, family and friends. I have an understanding of this place you are in. This winter, 2 days after teaching a very successful painting class I fell on the ice and broke my femur and hip in 5 places. I am now put together with screws and metal. It will be months before I can walk/run like I used to. The strangest part is the emotional upheaval. Remember everyday is a new day. You have the strength and power of many strong women sending all they have to you. Surround yourself with all that love.
After my fall I had to cancel everything for 3 months. I know it could be a year before things will work good.
But, I taught my first class last week-end. It was a short one with a small group. I had to sit most of the time but everyone was wonderful. They did so good and it did me wonders to be out with wonderful ladies that love Art. It was a hard day for me and I had a lot of pain, but I did it!!
Everything will be in slow motion for a while, It will get better !!!!!
As independent Artists and teachers we are used to blazing a fast and furious trail. Well now is our time to turn inward, to learn, to, yes, ponder. You will come through this stronger and wiser than ever!!
I'm going to keep checking in on you. Rest and focus your power. What you do and feel in these months will effect the rest of your life, make the best of it. Your art and your voice will be heard loud and clear when you are ready. Don't be blue, rejoice in life. Daris

Michelle said...

My prayers are with you. What a strong woman you are Judy to share where you are at, no disguise. I hope all goes well next week.

Roberta said...

Judy, we hear you loud and clear...your quietly written words speak volumes. So many of us know the frustration of health problems...the ups and the many downs, the irritations of convalescence and the joys of recovery. We are all here for you...waiting and hoping and wishing. Our thoughts are with you daily, and especially so on Tuesday.

Hugs from California,
Roberta

Marit said...

I haven't been around for awhile (life got in the way) but I want you to know you are a big inspiration... I finally started a "weekly art journal" for myself (I already had some journals going, but this one is my "personal"one)
I will keep my fingers crossed on Tuesday and send happy thoughts and good vibrations your way. Hang in there! Hope to hear good news from you next week!!!

Jackie Wood said...

You are an amazing, wonderful, strong, beautiful woman. Sending you love, support, and hugs for you week ahead.

Heather said...

Judy I just wanted to say your work is so thought provoking. You have a way of speaking with your art that is very rare.
I wish you wellness and hope.

Heather Foust

Maija said...

I'm sending loving and healing thoughts your way Judy. You will get through this. oxox

Laura said...

Be gentle with yourself dear Judy, however from personal experience, I know it's easier said than done :)

Hugs & prayers that all goes well for you tomorrow, xo